So Johnny Boy has decided to start a new section called Guest Post (GP), so look out for them on a sporadic basis.  GP#1 is courtesy of an African American Lesbian with Dreads (that's not a cliche or anything) :-) and addresses how to get people like the above image to STOP TALKING BITC#*S:

Like Robin to Batman, I have an admiration for Johnny Boy.  He’s my friend when I need a shoulder to cry on, my confidant when I question my sexuality, and my dad when I need discipline or food.   He’s taught me tons during my tenure as his “associate” [polite term for assistant; I’m sure if he had a dog he’d make me walk it!], but the one thing I’ve learned to master from my sensei – yes, I had to put an Asian reference, is how to sneak out of soirees without anyone noticing. You know what I’m talking about; those obligatory events that you MUST attend against your will in order to “show face”, but all you want to do is curl up on your couch and watch mindless television [Bad Girls Club comes to mind when I think of Johnny Boy]. 

Here are a few tips on how to vanish into thin air when you’re tired of talking to that special someone who’s cornered you at one of these shindigs: 

Situation #1: Surrounded by Eurotrash aka ‘Accents’ 

Statement #1: “Oh, I have an international conference call at 8am” 

Resolve #1:  This must be stated in the earlier part of the conversation.  Laying down the fact that a) you have to wake up early, b) you’re so important that even blokes in London are on their knees for you and c) I’m leaving this motha-f*ckin’ event soon, so whoever’s talking to you needs to wrap it up!   

 

Situation #2:  When you’re with the opposite sex and you don’t want to “hit that sh*t”

Statement #2:  “Do you know where the restroom is?  I couldn’t seem to find it” 

Resolve #2:  Your conversation is not worth a bladder infection, so let me pee dammit!  But let’s be real, everyone has to urinate at some point, so this excuse is golden shower. *Note: this does not work for same sex crushes as they may assume that you are inviting them for a romp in a bathroom stall…   

 

Situation #3: While having senseless conversation with a party-goer, another one of your admirers walk up to join the conversation

Statement #3:  “[Insert party-goers name here], have you met [insert other admirer’s name here]?"

Resolve #3:  This forces both parties to interact and feel important since they know you.  At this time you can say points #1 or #2 as previously mentioned in order to back your way out of the conversation and straight to the exit.  

 

Situation #4:  You’re drunk. 

Statement #4:  “I’ve had way too much to drink” 

Resolve #4:  While this statement is usually true, it can also work if you’re only drinking club soda on the rocks.  ALWAYS have a cocktail in hand, even if you’re in AA; having a full glass of clear with a lime on the rim is a sign that you’re possibly wasted.  Most people empathize with this excuse because let’s face it, living in Miami 9 times out of 10 you’ve woken up with a hangover… AND had to work the next day.

 

Situation #5:  You’re bored, uncomfortable, there’s no A/C, and the only complimentary beverage is NOT vodka.

Statement/Action #5: Find the host of the party, thank him/her for the invite and tell them how much of a lovely time you’ve had.

Resolve #5:  Why must you go around to every single person you’ve encountered at an event to kiss their sweaty faces and announce your departure?  Is that really necessary?  No.  The only person that needs a farewell is the one that was kind enough to send you an invite in the first place.  I’m sure you’ll see all the other freeloaders at another soiree that boasts free booze, food and shwag bags.   

So when you’re stuck at an event that you really don’t want to be at, remember the 5 escape plans.  Trust me, it just might save your life… er, or social status.  

--EF